The Rites of Passage
The idea of the rites of passage into manhood has really been on my mind lately. When you look across different cultures and religions, there are many formal and informal celebrations and markers of boys becoming men, girls becoming women, and just growing up, irrespective of gender.
Despite this, it seems to me that the rites of passage into manhood have changed a lot for my generation—or maybe even don’t exist anymore. When I was younger, the most important thing to me and my group of friends was losing your virginity. Having sex for the first time happens when it happens, and happens at different ages for everyone, and I’ve come to realize now that, when we were younger, it was a lot more about getting praise from our circle of friends than actually growing as a person.
In the past year, my girlfriend (now fiance, of course) and I got engaged and I started Next Gen Men as an actual non-profit organization and program with Jake, my best friend from university. For me, these have been huge moments and feel like true rites of passage, because they’ve been about accepting life’s responsibility (not about getting daps from your boys — although these are still appreciated). For example, I consider my partner’s input and opinions when I make important decisions and I spend most of my days supporting the development of the young men in our after school program.
I also turned 28 this year—I’m still considered a ‘youth’ according to some government programs, but if you do the math, I’m literally twice the age of most of the guys in Next Gen Men’s program! And I realize, compared to my parents and grandparents, I’ve had the luxury of taking on many responsibilities later in life than my father or my grandfather did. I think this is one reason why I’ve been thinking about the rites of passage for boys and men, and maybe why other young men may also be struggling with this idea.
So last week, I actually took my dad for lunch to catch up and to ask him about what he thought about this, and what the most formative moments in his life have been.
For my dad, the rite of passage that first came to mind for him was completing his education. It was one of his proudest moments—it gave him the energy, pride, and, most importantly, the resources to get a job and provide for his family. My dad explained that his parents didn’t get a post-secondary education and actually never really understood its value. This was connected to the other rite of passage that my dad shared with me, which he described as the moment when ‘he realized what he needed to do to help me succeed.’ I’m his first-born, eldest son. My dad himself had an absent father, and he knew that he had to make a conscious choice to be present as a father and do everything in his power to help me have a better life. For my dad, when I graduated high school, when I completed university, and when I took one of my younger brothers on a college campus tour—these were some of the moments that truly made him proud and made him feel like everything was worth it.
My father has been divorced, a failed partnership of 12 years, and has had ups and downs with his career and employment. But, day in and day out, he fights to be a present father, a father who is there for his family.
When he made the conscious choice to commit to fatherhood—probably the biggest responsibility anyone can take on—I believe that this was my dad’s rite of passage into manhood. And once he made that choice…he knew he had put in the work to live up to his commitment. It was pretty special to hear my dad reflect on this, and it is definitely something that I’m looking forward to talking to our Next Gen Men about.
— Jermal