Raising Feminist Children
On May 20, we ran an NGM Circle event on how to practice feminist principles in our parenting.
By Lee S.
Going into last month’s NGM Circle event, I wasn’t sure how the conversations would take shape.
Next Gen Men is a feminist organization—and our members are overwhelmingly supportive of the work we do and the mission behind it—however, few things in life are as touchy as child-rearing. As a father of two, I know first-hand how quick defenses can jump up.
So, it would have been reasonable to expect that our conversation on feminist parenting could take some interesting twists and turns.
Overwhelmingly, when the group discussed what they see as mainstream gender expectations for boys, the answers centered on ‘not being a girl,’ because if a boy is considered to be ‘like a girl,’ then the conversation switches to bullying of boys for being ‘sissies,’ ‘pussies,’ ‘f*gs’ and ‘gay.’
For a man in his early forties, it’s both surprising and sadly unsurprising that these ideas about what boys ought not to be still persist—even the awful bullying language is the same as what I heard in my early years.
When we look at persistent problems facing girls and women—violence, assault, harassment—it’s actually not that surprising that it can be sourced to the way that boys are socialized.
If boys are told, through looks, words, social exclusion, or violence that to be ‘a girl’ or to ‘be gay’ (or perceived as such) is the worst thing you can be, what are they being told about the value of women and girls, and of their gender and sexually diverse peers?
And when boys go on the defensive, reasserting their masculinity becomes about using violence to distance themselves from the feminine or effeminate. So what does that look like in parks, schools, parties, and sports teams?
It’s clear, then, that to combat problems of gender-based violence, we must get at their roots in early childhood. We need to talk to adults—as parents, educators, mentors—about the clear links between gender and sexual violence and the way kids’ genders are policed, both by adults and other children.
These are issues of justice not so-called political correctness. Preventing violence shouldn’t be partisan.
So we know what we want—to raise kids who are free from the constraints of gender—but how do we get there?
Several participants spoke about the challenges of raising feminist children in a world that may not be ready for them yet.
One member shared that his active feminist parenting has taught him that “these things are difficult because it’s not a closed system”—you can’t shut off every outside influence. There are family members, caregivers, peers, media, coaches, and so much more that will impart their own messages to our children.
As a result, our children will still come to know patriarchy and all that it entails.
Be that as it may, there’s still so much that we can do as parents to raise resilient, feminist children, and we shouldn’t underestimate the power that we have in shaping the next generation. Changing the world, beginning in our families, requires showing not just telling (even though telling is important, as well!).
To learn more about raising feminist boys, check out Next Gen Men’s new, self-paced, online course: Raising Next Gen Men.
Fundamentally it’s about role modelling the values you want them to have. Do you want them to respect the boundaries of others? Role model consent. Want them to be free from gender roles? Share the unpaid work at home equitably. Do you want them to be loving? Then give them unconditional love.
And finally, put a name to what you’re teaching your kids—it’s feminism. You may get pushback from relatives or other caregivers, but keep the conversation going. It’s not something that you just say and then look for compliance. It takes constant effort, but it does work and we can make a real difference!
And this is part of what raising future leaders is about. Part of being a feminist parent is playing a long game—the world may not be ready for your kids yet, but they will create the world they want to live in. We simply need to show them it’s possible.