Learnings & Unlearnings

As part of our ongoing mission to support boys’ well-being, my colleagues and I decided to take on a research project designed to better understand their feelings, stresses and needs. What we uncovered was a surprising distance between their beliefs and attitudes about toxic and positive masculinity, and their lived experiences—particularly online.

It’s not for no reason that we dedicate ourselves to the next generation of men—and we don’t take the educators in their lives for granted. You are their champions, their stewards and their witness.

For every time I’m invited to be part of a professional development opportunity, for every time that Next Gen Men’s resources are downloaded and used in schools, and for each and every thing that you, who are reading this, do to engage boys in the movement for gender justice, thank you.

We do young people a disservice by operating under the assumption that a list of warning signs or an affirmative acronym will be enough to help them effectively communicate within healthy relationships. Instead, we need to engage boys in open and honest conversation about what is difficult, challenging or confusing for them with regard to consent—beyond just stop signs.

Mass shootings take place within a web of conspiracy-rich sexist and racist ideologies that are propelled by the anonymous radicalization and copycat reverence found within internet subcultures. The thing is, this is only happening with boys and men.

What came to the fore in Columbine in 1999 has become a pattern of violence that stems from the disconnection, aggrieved entitlement and rage rebellion of vulnerable boys and young men. To change that, we need to look with our eyes wide open at the ways young people navigate the violent tenets of masculinity, and we need to empower boys themselves to become leaders of the change we so desperately need.

It comes back to parents, the primary protection for growing boys and their closest model for what it means to be authentically connected to others. It lives within schools, where boys learn the script for manhood and navigate their resistance to it. And more than anywhere else, it unfolds in the inner lives of boys: in the unseen depth of their friendships and shared secrets, in the quiet breathing as they fall asleep, in their ability to say the words that are too often left unsaid.

Now more than ever, we need to view the next generation of men with hope—not as problems to be fixed, or just as allies for girls and women, but as fellow stakeholders in the movement for gender justice. 

Over the span of several months, we took four highlights from the card deck and worked with an artist to turn them into streetwear-style apparel. Like my white swoop-emblazoned Nikes, we hope that these t-shirts catch the attention of the teenage boys in your life, and we hope that they foster an opportunity for deeper conversation.

If you think about it, what we’re doing is building an alternate reality. No, not VR or AR, but a reality of masculinity where even the most tough, ready-to-fight, disinterested-in-equality boys can maintain an alternate version of themselves in a space that is defined by respect and inclusion. Even if they feel the need to buy into toxic masculinity elsewhere to protect themselves, there’s still a part of themselves that doesn’t.

We’re mandated to report any situation in which a child might be in need of protection, come hell or high water. Yet in reality it’s rarely that simple. Young people’s lives are complex, tangled and ever-changing shades of grey—and if our ultimate goal is their wellbeing, then we have to recognize a trusting relationship in which they can confide in and count on as a significant protective factor.

Every educator has struggled with the devil-may-care student who is indifferent in the classroom at best, and at worst finds ways to be actively disruptive or flagrantly disrespectful. But let’s be clear: what we see in those moments is not really a ‘problematic’ boy or ‘toxic’ masculinity. It’s relational disengagement.

In the years since #MeToo, I’ve seen a question increasingly materializing among the best schools: how do we sustain positive change? If you’re reading this, you probably know why schools should be talking about positive masculinity. You might already be starting to put this into practice. So let’s talk about what’s next.