It Doesn’t Have to Be Like It Is: Why You Should Read Creating Consent Culture
Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott
Creating Consent Culture earns its name as a ‘handbook for educators.’ Over the span of 15 short chapters, Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott present a grounded understanding of what consent culture could and should look like, along with questions on its complexity such as, “What if I’m a maybe?” and “How do I make amends when I mess up?” Each chapter is accompanied by a clear exercise and discussion outline that can be—and has been—used in workshops with adults and young people alike.
Recommended for: Educators who want to go beyond health curriculum checkboxes and lay the foundation for a cultural shift towards positive relationships and restorative justice.
I recently mentioned going out on a date while I was at my friend’s house. His 13-year-old son perked up. “Was it fun?” he asked. Before I could answer, he added: “Did you kiss?”
I told him we hadn’t. He proceeded to give me surprisingly detailed advice on how to lean in for a kiss, how to subtly take things to the next level, and how to tell if a girl is interested.
“Couldn’t I just ask?” I suggested.
“No way!” he exclaimed. “That would ruin the whole vibe.”
“So how did you become an expert on dating and relationships?” I teased him.
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Movies and TikTok,” he said.
This matters. Boys pick up stereotypes like dominance in relationships from representations of masculinity in movies and television; more than half of all boys think porn presents a realistic depiction of sex. One in three girls in Canada will experience physical sexual violence in their lifetime.
One thing is clear: we need to do a better job at teaching young people how to understand and practice consent in their lives and relationships.
Creating Consent Culture is a handbook for parents and educators to transform the narrative on healthy communication in relationships.
As Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott explain, the dominant culture that we live in is a culture of coercion: a culture that exists wherever someone feels entitled to access to or control over others; a culture that minimizes, trivializes and denies harm.
Many educators seek to challenge this culture with an oversimplified and ultimately harmful understanding of consent, which Baczynski and Scott call the ‘Gatekeeper’ model. This stood out to me because one of the most deeply felt issues with the Gatekeeper framework for boys and young men in particular is that it inevitably risks rejection: “In the old Gatekeeper model, where one person is asking for permission, and the other says yes or no, a ‘no’ means one thing: rejection.”
“Consent culture offers another way to interpret a ‘no.’ Because we are coming together to find an agreement about how we want to play or interact with one another, a ‘no’ is not necessarily a rejection. Instead, it becomes information. The other person is not rejecting you. Instead, they are telling you where they are at.”
I also liked their exploration of the ‘enthusiastic yes,’ which can be a nebulous concept for young people who are just beginning to explore sexuality and relationships. Baczynski and Scott suggest three different kinds of enthusiastic yes: really wanting something, being unsure if you want it but being excited to try it and find out, and being wholeheartedly willing to gift someone else with what they want.
That was a breakdown that I had never heard before, one that resonates with real-life experiences far more than the outdated consent is like a cup of tea model.
Creating Consent Culture offers a framework for talking with boys who mess up in the #MeToo era.
Talking proactively about consent is great, but it’s not my main reason to recommend this book.
What stood out to me the most was the chapter on restorative justice in consent culture. As they explain, young people need a bit of extra room to make mistakes without experiencing irrevocable consequences, or feeling like there is no way back from what they’ve done wrong.
Because accidents happen.
“The fact of the matter is that many, if not most, consent violations are accidental, particularly among young people who are still learning to navigate the world. ‘Accidental,’ however, does not mean trivial. The impact may still be monumental.”
I recently spoke on a panel for Studio 180 Theatre’s Beyond the Stage initiative, where I wrestled with the complexity of not completely writing off a young man who had committed sexual assault.
“How can you call it an accident?” one of the audience members challenged me. “It’s a crime.”
I tried to speak about the limitations of a punitive justice system and the problems with vilifying and ostracizing boys as perpetrators, but mostly I just stumbled over my words. I wish I had read this book before that conversation.
Baczynski and Scott explain that if we want young men to behave better, we need to give them ways to get there. That means teaching them how to take accountability, apologize and make amends—the hard work between letting them off the hook and calling them criminals.
“In coercion culture, there are two primary outcomes when someone messes up: either acknowledge that it happened and someone gets punished, or else ignore that it ever happened at all. But there is a third possibility in the path of restorative justice.”
We need resources like this to chart a new path forward.
Grassroots student groups like Students for Consent Culture Canada are picking up the cry led by actions like the walkouts at Western University in 2021. Organizations like Bad Subject and Curiosity Labs are providing education on the ground.
Yet every single one of us are in touch with boys in our lives. As I wrote in an article on consent for Voice Male, if the boys and young men around you aren’t speaking with you about this kind of thing, then you are part of the problem.
In the first season of Netflix’s critically acclaimed Sex Education, high schooler Liam attempts a grand gesture at the school dance—a hopeless romantic-style attempt to ‘win over’ a girl who had already rejected him multiple times.
When it falls flat, he exclaims, “What’s the point? Lizzie doesn’t love me.” His voice drops in volume. “Nobody loves me.”
Like so many young men, he feels stuck.
Like so many young men, he would benefit from an honest, supportive conversation about self-love, real relationships and healthy expectations of girls.
When we’re talking about consent culture, we’re talking about high stakes for people of all genders. As we work towards a culture of justice, love and communicative collaboration, Creating Consent Culture is a well-researched, detailed and facilitator-oriented set of ideas and workshop outlines to help us on the way.
Note: I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest, unbiased review.
ICYMI This Week
Teaching Boys and Young Men About Consent (Voice Male)
The data are clear: The boys are not all right (The Washington Post)
‘Gender shouldn’t impact your career choices, yet over a third of young men won’t do my job’ (JOE)
Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a bi-weekly blog reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to Future of Masculinity to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.
As part of our NGM value of Curiosity, we regularly set goals to encourage ourselves to make time for reading. Read with us at NGM Library.