Why We Need To Teach Boys About Positive Masculinity
By Brett Ing
As a current youth facilitator for Next Gen Men and former teacher, one of my main objectives has always been to create a safe space free of judgement. A place where young people feel comfortable and are free to be their authentic selves.
Why is this a challenge for boys? You might be surprised to discover that school is a place where many boys feel unsafe. They are afraid they won’t live up to the rules of manhood—they won’t be cool enough, popular enough, or tough enough. In Boys: What It Means to Become a Man, Rachel Giese explains:
“Underneath all that is the very real fear of becoming a target. Acting out by bringing another boy’s manliness into question by calling him a homophobic slur, or by harassing and sexualizing a girl with a catcall, is a way to fortify their masculine image.”
The rules of manhood are making our youth feel unsafe, resulting in behaviours associated with an increased risk of substance abuse, suicide, and other mental and physical health problems. According to Kristin Mmari, associate professor at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and lead researcher for qualitative research on the Global Early Adolescent Study, these issues can be well-established in kids by the time they are 10 or 11 years old.
The solution, it seems, lies in undefining and redefining what it means to ‘be a man,’ and helping young boys to create their own healthier version of masculinity.
What does it mean to be a man?
If I asked my 14-year-old self, “What does it mean to be a man?” I probably would have listed qualities such as strength, independence, physical stature, and assertiveness.
Today, as a 30-year-old who works with ninth-grade boys, my list is quite different. The words and synonyms that come up are courage, integrity, compassion, and humility. My older self now thinks of masculinity as also being able to be vulnerable, to be tender with yourself and to others when needed, and being connected with your feelings and emotions.
Although neither of these definitions are necessarily right or wrong, they do point out that masculinity should not be so narrowly defined if we want to start teaching boys about positive masculinities and what it means to be a man.
So, what does it mean to be a man? Last year at the MARC Summit by Catalyst (Men Advocating Real Change), Eka Darville, a filmmaker, speaker and intersectional solutioneer, was asked this question and responded by saying:
“To try and distill what a man is into a single word is a futile effort. There are as many descriptions for what is a man as there are men on the planet Earth.”
I commend my younger self for having part of the picture identified even if it only scratched the surface of masculinity. Our culture is continuing to evolve—as we endeavour to make the world a more inclusive place for people to be their authentic selves.
And while courage, integrity, compassion, and humility are integral traits to me, they may not be the most important values for the boys I work with. My work with the online community NGM Alliance focuses on supporting boys as they explore and create their own versions of masculinity and what it means to be a man.
Let’s unpack how we look at positive masculinity.
While taking the Raising Next Gen Men online course, I was prompted to write and reflect on the qualities that have mattered most to me in the male role models in my life. As previously mentioned, the characteristics of courage, integrity, compassion and humility came up several times.
As I looked at my list and tried to find a common thread, I realized that none of these traits were inherently male or masculine. From there I wondered whether it was necessary at all to categorize traits by gender if they’re not exclusive to any gender at all. In When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, Carol Gilligan observes that:
“Once human qualities are bifurcated into masculine or feminine, everyone loses. Becoming a man or becoming a woman means burying or silencing parts of oneself.”
At Next Gen Men we sometimes use the term positive masculinity, but it is always used upon the foundation that there is no single, exclusive, right way of expressing or embodying masculinity (hence, masculinities).
The danger with assigning a single definition to masculinity is that it can set the expectation for how a person is supposed to be in order to be a man. In our youth and community programs over the years, it has been more productive to model traits like being able to talk about feelings as examples of positive masculinity to demonstrate to men and boys that there are alternatives to patriarchal or toxic masculinity.
This matters, as Michael Flood writes in The Man Box, because boys cannot be what they cannot see. Young men need relatable, engaging models for manhood—mentors who expand the possibilities in their lives.
We can teach positive masculinity.
I’m reminded of a moment with a 15-year old boy at the senior high school I was teaching at in Japan who wrote an essay about how he and other members of the rugby team hated studying. I found this interesting, and so I sat down with him and asked: “Why?”
He explained that rugby practice took up a large portion of his time and energy, so the pressure to also study and achieve high grades left him exhausted and resentful.
I later received a letter from him saying that his most memorable interaction with me was in that moment. It meant something to him that when he expressed his opinion, I didn’t get angry and instead just listened and asked why. He said he’ll always remember me for it.
At that moment it all came full circle. I realized that it wasn’t necessarily the grand lessons, activities, and projects I poured hours into planning that provided the most meaningful interactions with students. It was those small moments of curiosity on my part that often had the biggest impact on achieving my desired outcome—to create a safe space for young people to feel comfortable being their authentic selves.
One well-equipped mentor can make all the difference.
The Raising Next Gen Men online course will help you increase your capacity to form strong connections with boys and engage them in topics like mental health and healthy relationships.
You will better understand the experiences and perspectives of adolescent boys, and feel more confident in yourself as a touchpoint for positive masculinity. You will raise the next generation.
By giving an open space to that boy on the rugby team to express his opinion fully without judgement, lecturing, or reprimand, it not only gave him an opportunity to reflect deeper on why he disliked studying, but it also built a level of trust in our relationship and allowed me to learn more about him.
Teaching boys about positive masculinity means looking for those seemingly small and insignificant opportunities to interact with the boys in your life. Leave behind preconceived notions of the definitions of masculinity and what it means to be a man, and instead approach them with genuine curiosity.
Because over time they just might turn out to be some of the most meaningful and impactful moments in their development as the next generation of men.
Born and raised in Vancouver, Brett has worked with youth from the ages of 8-18 in Canada and Japan. Find Brett traveling the world in search of tropical beaches, hunting down the perfect sushi for lunch, or rolling at his jiu-jitsu club.