Why Men’s Relationships Benefit from Feminism
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A sweeping complaint in the manosphere is about how ‘feminism has ruined relationships and families.’
There’s an awful lot of hand-wringing about the ‘collapse of the nuclear family,’ the disappearance of ‘traditional family values’ and—in the case of some groups—a lot of anger directed at women for having…well, choices.
While these sentiments may have originated in the manosphere, they’re being repeated by TV pundits, across social media, and at dinner tables.
I want to explore what’s at the root of this belief and break it down. Because I would argue that patriarchal models for relationships actually harm everyone—men included—and feminist principles provide us with a path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Let’s examine gender roles in the family then and now.
Typically, when people say things like ‘traditional families’ or ‘family values,’ people are thinking of the 1950s-era nuclear family: a stay-at-home mom, a working dad, two children, and a home with a white picket fence (maybe a golden retriever in there too?). Dad had the role of breadwinner, decision-maker, and punisher; mom of nurturer and caregiver, and their children would be raised to fit into the same molds. Everything was picture-perfect back then, right?
Uh, not so much.
For those families that did have this kind of structure, I’m sure some were fine with it—maybe it did really work well for some people and perhaps for many it still does. I’m also sure that many others also felt trapped and limited by it. We need only look at old ads to see what the attitude toward women, wives, and mothers was like…
Men and women were asked to conform to narrowly defined heteronormative roles and had very little room for lives that veered away from this patriarchal script.
This limited men who would’ve rather been caregivers, women who would’ve rather found purpose outside of the home, everyone who didn’t want to be parents, and erased queer people entirely. It forced many people to live lies—for example, to be in heterosexual relationships even if they were queer—and made for inauthentic existence.
Unequal relationships are also primed for abuse.
It should be pretty easy to see how an imbalance of power could quickly become an abuse of power. For instance, if one partner is the sole income earner, they may also feel justified in having sole financial decision-making power. This can become financial abuse, and it can be a slippery slope.
It’s also worth noting that the nuclear family was never truly the norm for many people.
For working-class families, having one parent stay home has never really been an option: not in the 1950s and not now. For example, most Black women have always worked outside the home. What’s more, for families with cultural roots that are more collectivist, multi-generational households may have consistently been the norm both then and now—perhaps influenced by a blend of tradition, necessity, convenience, and/or desire.
Is feminism ‘destroying’ the nuclear family?
Well, according to the manosphere, women now have ‘too many choices’ and ‘too much power,’ while men are ‘losing power’ and the nuclear family is disappearing.
It is true that with advancements like birth control and no-fault divorce, as well as the high amounts of women working outside of the home, women have more freedom and power to define relationships on increasingly equal terms.
And yes, this means freedom to choose relationships that don’t look like the nuclear family of the 1950s.
Moreover, with the decriminalization, ongoing de-stigmatization, and increased visibility and acceptance of queer relationships, people of all genders are more able to pursue relationships and family structures that they actually want, not simply what is deemed ‘socially acceptable.’
Further, ‘non-traditional’ relationship arrangements, like being child-free, non-monogamous, or not getting married at all, are also becoming increasingly visible and accepted choices for individuals, couples, and families. There is increasing acceptance that the nuclear family is simply not what everyone wants, nor should it need to be. It is simply one option among many.
Of course, this varies across the world, but by and large, it certainly seems that the arc of change is bending toward accepting more diversity in relationships and family structures. People are increasingly free to be themselves and to seek out relationships that reflect their desires and values—though often not without backlash.
It’s interesting to observe that the focus of the manosphere seems to be on what men lose, rather than what they are gaining from these changes.
While it’s true that in heterosexual relationships men are increasingly ‘giving up’ decision-making power, they’re also gaining more freedom to choose different kinds of relationships, just as women are.
So how do men benefit from feminism?
Broadly, when couples seek mutuality—to share power, decision-making, unpaid work, and resources on equal terms—they are happier and healthier.
For instance, couples benefit when unpaid work—cooking, cleaning, yard work, paying bills, and so on—is negotiated and agreed upon, rather than an assumed role based on gender. Couples that divide unpaid labour fairly and based on what they’re good at and what they enjoy doing, instead of gender roles, avoid a lot of future resentment!
There’s more! For instance, fathers who are more involved caregivers of their children, often report feeling more connected to their kids, happier, and more confident in their parenting skills. Men who are sharing the breadwinner role with their wives could feel less pressure to work long hours and chase that next promotion at work—which has mental health benefits and can make space for other things, like relationships, hobbies, and health. Practicing effective communication skills like listening and empathy not only benefits men in their romantic relationships but in all of their relationships. It also turns out that couples with more feminist views tend to have more fulfilling sex lives.
Researchers have consistently found that the healthiest and happiest relationships are those where partners are able to be themselves (to live authentically), where partners are invested in effective and empathetic communication, and where they share responsibilities equitably.
In contrast, patriarchal heteronormative models of relationships don’t focus on equitable sharing of power.
We’ve already discussed how they box us into gender roles that don’t allow us to live authentically. Patriarchy also stifles men’s abilities to communicate with vulnerability and empathy, often leading to isolation. Patriarchy puts a lot of pressure on men to be the ‘heads of the household,’ to be solely responsible for providing, for being the ‘punisher’—which can feel like a huge burden.
In short, relationships do not flourish under patriarchy.
“Visionary feminism is a wise and loving politics. It is rooted in the love of male and female being, refusing to privilege one over the other. The soul of feminist politics is the commitment to ending patriarchal domination of women and men, girls and boys. Love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion. Males cannot love themselves in patriarchal culture if their very self-definition relies on submission to patriarchal rules. When men embrace feminist thinking and practice, which emphasizes the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in all relationships, their emotional well-being will be enhanced. A genuine feminist politics always brings us from bondage to freedom, from lovelessness to loving.”
Join us to explore masculinity, relationships and feminism.
There is still a lot to learn about where we are at in our understanding of gender and relationships. We still have many questions!
How might our gender socialization impact how we initiate and maintain romantic relationships? How might it impact how we experience rupture and repair in relationships and conflict?
In other words, how have the lessons we’ve been taught about how to ‘be a man’ (or ‘act like a lady’) impacted our relationships? What might be the similarities and differences between heterosexual relationships and queer relationships?
And on the flip side, how do our experiences in relationships change how we understand what ‘being a man’ (or a woman, or nonbinary person!) is all about?
How have feminist advances changed how we understand relationships and how we behave in relationships? How are we still adapting?
Join our NGM Circle event on February 24th as we dive into the impact of gender socialization on relationships!
Additional Resources
Publications (Shift: The Project to End Domestic Violence)
Is gender equality good for men? (XY Online)
Types of Abuse (Love is Respect)
Every month we host conversations about the things that matter to us—gender equity, inclusion, mental wellness, healthy relationships, and social justice. Our focus is typically on how men and masculinity fit into the feminist movement, but folks of all genders & backgrounds are welcome to attend. Though these conversations are geared toward adults, youth have attended in the past so just get in touch if you'd like to bring a youth.
These events are not webinars, they are discussions! Folks are encouraged to participate.