Let’s Actually Talk
Photo by Alexandru Acea
By Jake Stika
Raise awareness, sure, but don’t forget to act.
In case you missed it, this week in Canada we marked another #BellLetsTalk Day.
Forgive me if I sound underwhelmed.
If I sound a bit ticked off, sorry/not sorry. Yes, because of the sense of superficial hashtag-activism that it can’t quite shake. Yes, because of the blatant bandwagoning and the corporate commodification of mental health. But more than that.
Because of the misdirected energy I see, with all the well-researched thought-pieces and well-meaning experts that the nation’s content editors unleash on us at this time of year, armed with stats and facts and a mission to restate, revisit, and re-quantify ‘the problem’ we face, and that so many men and boys struggle with when it comes to their mental health and wellbeing.
I’ve seen some examples this week, and could write the same article myself in my head, having already read ‘the same one’ at least 20 times. Men are 75% of suicides? Check. Men are more prone to addiction and substance abuse and make up 80% of overdose deaths? Yup. Boys are more likely to not finish high-school and young men are falling behind in post-secondary? Uh-huh. Industry is shifting resulting in higher unemployment rates for men resulting in a sense of purposelessness and devaluation? Totally. Oh, and men are more likely to struggle with loneliness or isolation and less likely to ask for help—WE KNOW!
“But Jake, isn’t it good to raise awareness?” Yes, and awareness is most valuable when it has its better half: action. I live and breathe the work in this space, but I don’t know who these articles are trying to convince anymore. The women’s groups and stakeholders I talk to get it because they see the outpouring of violence or friction of making male-dominated spaces more equitable. The men’s rights type folks I come across see men as the victims of feminism rather than patriarchy. And everyone in between is wringing their hands—“what will we do with these boys?!”
Well here are some ideas I propose:
Stop hosting sex (read: gender) reveal parties—boys are not blue, girls are not pink. You’re going to have a baby, hooray! Celebrate that.
If you’re a dad, snuggle the crap out of your boy. When did your old man stop snuggling you? When did your grandpa stop snuggling him? Do it longer!
Normalize that boys can hold hands and hug each other just as much as girls can. Tiny human beings need love, not distance.
‘Boys will be boys’ is a myth, and a useless one. Boys will be whatever we teach them to be, and give them space to be. If the only way we permit them to touch one another is roughhousing, that’s what they will do. If the only way we give them permission to express themselves is through hyperactivity, that’s what they will do. Neither will set them up for success in a classroom where girls are socialized to be prim and proper.
If they act out in the classroom as they’ve been conditioned to, don’t be quick to label them with ADHD. Perhaps the way we do education doesn’t suit youth rather than making the youth feel they don’t fit.
If they’re frustrated because the way their mind works isn’t fitting and they cry, normalize that they can feel withdrawn, inferior, humiliated or myriad of feelings beyond sad and mad—and DON’T say ‘boys don’t cry’—give him the words and space to feel.
When introducing them to the world of sports, don’t split boys and girls. Chances are they all suck at that age anyways so give them the skills to be good teammates while they learn the basics before introducing competition—they’ll get enough of that later.
If they get hurt while competing, Don’t tell them to man up. Even if it didn’t hurt that bad, maybe what they really want is your affirmation and the feeling that you care.
Are you a coach? Congrats: you are probably one of the first, and most essential, adult male mentors that the boys in your care—aside, we hope, from their dads and close male relatives. Don’t fuss too much about making them great athletes. Keep your priorities in perspective, and show them how to be good men.
Make time for ‘the Talk.’ Education in sexual health is essential to making their first experiences healthy, safe, consensual, and hopefully beautiful too.
Speaking of adult men—don’t disparage women’s work of any sort, caregiving, child-rearing, nursing, service. Your words carry weight with boys imagining themselves in those roles—“what would my brother/uncle/dad think?” Talk about how work is most meaningful when it means something to you, and not how high you climb or how much you make.
It doesn’t stop there, and it can’t. Mandated paternity leave. Thoughtful investment from government and industry. Normalizing that amazingly brave first step of acknowledging you’re scared, you’re tired, you’re sad, and you’re probably tired of being sad and scared too.
That’s why all those ‘deja-vu’ thought-pieces tick me off. It identifies the problem, and it stops there. Untangling our gendered social relationship with mental health and wellbeing is a problem that gives us a wealth of things to work with. To identify the problem then hit the brakes, to stop short of solutions and move on, only to rinse-repeat next January—what a missed opportunity.
My advice: remember that ‘raising awareness’ is a means to an end. We raise awareness so that we can act with awareness, and bring awareness to our work. The next time that another awareness day, or another tragedy, has mental health is in the headlines, skip past all the thought-pieces and amplify the voices that speak of action.
Jake Stika is the Executive Director of Next Gen Men and one of its co-founders.