What’s the Best Way To Talk To Youth About Sex?
Booklet by the Father and Son Welfare Movement in 1962
I think it’s time we have THE talk.
Sex isn’t the most comfortable subject to talk about for some people, but to promote sexual health among the next generation we need to break the silence.
And let’s be honest with ourselves, the ‘sex talk’ is overdue for an overhaul.
The first thing to pop into most people’s minds when they hear the term ‘sexual health’ is all of the potential negative consequences that can happen from sex, like unintended pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and how to avoid them.
Both of those consequences are nothing to sniff at—after all, STIs are one of the world’s most common infections, with an annual incidence rate only exceeded by diarrheal diseases, malaria, and lower respiratory infections.
But this hyper-focus on the threat of STIs has often steered the conversation of sexual health away from the positives of a healthy sex experience to dissuading people, especially youth, from engaging in ‘risky sexual behaviour.’
Fear is not the foundation of health.
For better or worse, our conceptualization of sex is influenced by the messaging we receive from media or school and conversations we have with friends and family. Unfortunately, there are a lot of examples of how poorly executed school sex education or government campaigns have delivered some ideas on sex that are restrictive, shame inducing, or downright antiquated.
Take for example Quebec’s youth-targeted STI prevention campaign called ‘Condoms: They aren’t a Luxury.’
Translation: These panties have lived through horror: Gonorrhoea is horrible. It can cause greenish vaginal discharge. Even worse, you might not be able to have sex because it is too painful.
As you can see above, the campaign featured different pieces of underwear with accompanying (gross) descriptions that carry themes of suffering, physical damage and pain.
Unfortunately, this is only one example of the many fear-based messages young people will encounter about sex—and that has repercussions.
University of Ottawa researcher Marilou Gagnon found that fear-based messaging frames sexual health as an individual choice, which implies that STIs as a predictable outcome of “bad individual choices, deviant sexual practices and self-negligence.”
Although it has been shown that some fear campaigns can be effective, researchers believe this is because youth will increase use of protection out of fear of their body being invaded by STIs—or the perceived social deviance—instead of actually being motivated to be sexually healthy.
It’s important for people to feel empowered about their body and sexuality because it impacts their self-esteem and confidence about taking control over their health.
On the flip side, focusing on fear perpetuates stigmatizing norms around sex, such as sex being a ‘dirty’ act and that getting a STI is shameful and the result of risky decisions. Those norms make people experience self-surveillance, feelings of anxiety, and guilt or repulsion towards themselves, which actually make people less likely to reach out for help or visit clinics about their sexual health.
So, fear-based messaging for sex? Decidedly not great for how youth think about their bodies and sex.
Conversations surrounding sex shouldn’t scare or shame people for a normal and healthy part of relationships and life.
It’s time we update the sex talk to include a holistic definition of sexual health that includes the good and bad.
Sexuality is not just sexual behaviour—it’s a basic need.
Society’s conception of sexual health has been influenced by social, political, and historical events, such as the sexual revolution in the 1960s, debates over reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ rights movements, and the HIV/AIDS crisis. These movements and events promoted the acceptance of sexuality and sexual liberation.
Sexuality is important to understand in context, because it is a fluid phenomenon that changes with culture, socioeconomic status, religious beliefs, relationship status, and sexual orientation.
As a result, the definition of sexual health has developed over time to reflect contemporary interpretations and considerations. Our current understanding of sexual health suggest that sexual health is made up of six domains.
The Six Domains of Sexual Health
1. Knowledge and understanding:
Do you know and understand your anatomy? Do you know what can minimize risks or improve your enjoyment?
2. Attitudes, Norms, and Intentions:
How do you feel about sex or your sexuality? Do you feel capable in your decisions regarding your sexuality?
3. Negotiation and Communication:
Do you know how to set boundaries? Can you talk to your partner about sex? Do you have close friends or family that you can talk to about sex or sexuality?
4. Healthcare Use:
Do you have access to sexual and reproductive that are culturally appropriate and meet the needs of your sexual orientation?
5. Sexual Behaviour:
What sexual activities do you partake in? What are your boundaries?
6. Adverse Outcomes:
Have you had a negative experience? Have you had an STI or unintended pregnancy?
Consider each of these domains as the pieces that build the foundation of sexual health, where a crack in one of them can destabilize the others and can result in adverse outcomes.
When we’re talking to youth it’s important to give them space and time to take an inventory of their sexual health and reflect on what makes up your sexuality.
Sexuality is an integral part of everyone’s personality and wellbeing:
“It is a basic need and an aspect of being human that cannot be separated from other aspects of life. Sexuality is not synonymous with sexual intercourse, it is not about whether we have orgasms or not, and it is not the sum total of our erotic lives. These may be part of our sexuality but equally, they may not. Sexuality is so much more: it is in the energy that motivates us to find love, contact, warmth and intimacy; it is expressed in the way we feel, move, touch and are touched; it is about being sensual as well as being sexual. Sexuality influences thoughts, feelings, actions and in- interactions and thereby our mental and physical health.”
Just like sexual health, sexuality is not static.
Being sexual is about who we are, what we feel, what we value, and what we desire.
Our sexuality is as real and valid as any other part of our identity and deserves judgment-free exploration.
Imagine how different conversations around sex would be if it started with the understanding that we all seek love or intimacy in some shape or another. This shared understanding opens the door for people to explore their feelings, ask questions, and seek help in ways that fear-mongering shuts down.
Make no mistake: it will be more difficult to talk about sex in terms of love, pleasure, and relationships because it requires you to be vulnerable and explore complex and personal topics.
But that vulnerability and love is what we should all hope to share.
After all, it’s at the core of our sexuality.
So when the time comes to have THE talk, see it as a chance to be vulnerable and inspire strong foundations of sexual health that are built on self-acceptance, connection, and intimacy.
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