How Does Negative Self-Talk Impact Our Ability to Care?
Bojack Horseman shows us that our negative self-talk can become a shame spiral pretty quickly. Heads up, this video is NSFW.
By Brian H
“You’re a stupid piece of sh*t”.
Bojack Horseman’s self-condemning refrain resonated with Next Gen Menbers participating in a previous “Deep Dive” discussion.
Harsh, negative self-talk is a characteristic unfortunately not reserved for cartoon anthropomorphs. Many of our very human participants confirmed they had their own inner voice bent on criticizing, belittling, and judging themselves.
That day, though, as our group spoke about self-care, we dared to ask: does our negative self-talk truly serve us and our communities in our journey toward equity?
The usual suspects of self-care (exercising, reading, getting outdoors) were all important elements to begin our discussion; however, we wanted to go deeper.
We concluded that while carving out time for self-care activities is important, our own negative self-talk limits their rejuvenating abilities.
Think of it this way, if our minds are in a perpetual state of self-condemnation, then finding relief, comfort, and care can become almost impossible. No matter how good that hike or workout session was, if you hated yourself while doing it, you might be taking the “care” out of “self-care.”
Though certain self-care activities may make us feel better, stronger, and healthier, if we aren’t addressing our negative self-talk, in the long term we may notice more unwelcome outcomes creeping in: isolation, unhealthy substance use, avoidance, self-hatred, and more.
Unsurprisingly, these outcomes are not so conducive to belonging, connection, or taking an active role in improving our communities.
What is the antidote to negative self-talk?
Negative self-talk is a powerful force with many underlying causes.
In a world that can often be judgmental or unforgiving, we may adopt coping mechanisms to survive.
Surviving and thriving, though, are two very different things.
So what’s the antidote to negative self-talk, self-criticism, and shame?
Turns out it might be self-compassion.
Self-compassion is a stance we can learn to take. When we are being self-compassionate, we are not absolving ourselves of any responsibility, we are simply not being so harsh or critical of ourselves. We’re accepting that we’re only human.
How can we get better at self-compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff lays out three principles for reorienting toward self-compassion:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.Common Humanity vs. Isolation
Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.
All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through, rather than something that happens to “me” alone.Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental and receptive state of mind in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.
We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Likewise, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Even within our group discussion, there seemed to be a sense of validation that arose from acknowledging how we’ve been less than forgiving of ourselves in the past.
In giving voice to our struggles, I personally found a sense of shared experience and solidarity. I felt stronger. The Bojack in my head was quiet for a while, and I came away feeling better equipped to take on the world.
Self-care, at its best, is more than treating ourselves. It’s filling our cup with spiritual connection and emotional resilience so that that energy may radiate outwards into our communities – to the people we cherish and hold dear.
A community saturated with respect, openness, love, and acceptance is only possible when those qualities are cultivated simultaneously within ourselves.
While the mental trap of negative self-talk is easily activated, we have the power to choose a different route: we can choose connection, kindness, understanding, and self-love.
It’s in all our best interests to do so.
Learn to skillfully process and regulate emotions: Register for our upcoming Emotional Literacy Workshop to get curious about emotions! We'll also be diving into understanding the needs our emotions are signalling to us. Don't miss out!
Join us on Saturday, May 13, at 11 am MT for the next workshop in our Emotional Literacy series, led by therapist Emma Ocean.
Need access to free mental health support? Check out MEN& to access free counseling if you’re a man in Alberta.
Brian H is a volunteer with Next Gen Men. With a background in the arts and human services, Brian brings compassion and care to the work of making the world a kinder place. When not working or volunteering, you can find Brian reading a good book, checking out a cafe, or enjoying a bowl of ramen. You can connect with Brian and other Next Gen MENbers by becoming a menber!