How can I help my friend through a breakup?
Photo by Marah Bashir on Unsplash.
So your buddy and his partner broke up, and you want to support him. What do you do?
Take him out and get wasted? Say all manner of nasty things about the ex? Help him get some rebound sex? Post the ex’s nudes? Drag the ex on social media? Key their ex’s car?
This is often the cultural narrative we hear around men and breakups. But this “get mad and then get even” kind of thinking hurts everyone.
Not only are some of those actions ones that can result in criminal charges (like posting someone else’s intimate photos without consent or vandalizing their property), but they may also cause pain and distress to not only the ex-partner but also to your friend.
In short, actions like this simply keep everyone wounded rather than healing.
So, what steps can you take instead that will actually support your friend through a breakup?
Here are our suggestions for how you can support your friend to move forward in a healthy way after a romantic relationship ends.
How can I support him right now?
1) Ask what he needs in terms of support.
Nothing gets to the point quicker than asking directly. Your buddy might already know the best way to support him.
Now I can hear many of you already saying: “I tried that he just said ‘nothing,’” or “he said that he doesn’t know.” And these are all legitimate answers, so now you are tasked with offering ideas or suggestions. So here are some ideas:
Offer to spend time with him or do something helpful:
“Do you want me to come over and we can order some takeout, or I can cook something for us to eat tonight?” (if you’re the cooking type).“Let’s just game for a while. I’ll stay as long as you like if you don’t want to be alone”.
“Let’s meet up with some friends and see a movie or something.”
Offer to organize an activity that uses up aggressive energy in a positive way:
“Let’s go for a hike, bike ride, or to the gym. What would you prefer?”
Offer to listen.
“Tell me more about what you’re going through.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem like yourself. Wanna talk about it?”
None of these suggestions are about sex, drugs, or drinking, etc. — those activities, while providing a temporary sense of relief, often cause more emotional distress in the long term. Also, try not to pressure your friend to be happy when out and about; it’s okay to be sad and to still engage in activities together.
2) Help with distraction AND emotional processing
The activities in the point above can be healthy and positive ways to provide distraction. Distraction is a great tool to relieve some pain and hurt, but it can become a crutch to avoid processing painful emotions.
So how do you help someone else with emotional processing?
Talking about it is a way to process, but we want to be supportive without engaging in toxic positivity or villainizing their ex.
Here is what that can look like:
Focus on what your friend feels. Help him name his feelings and understand his hurt. Men frequently have a small vocabulary for emotions (sad, mad, happy), but emotions are much more complex. Here are some examples:
“I can imagine you would be feeling really lonely right now”.
“Maybe you’re feeling betrayed by them”.
“Sounds like you might be afraid you won’t find the relationship you want”.
If your pal is open to it, share healthy ways you have dealt with and managed feelings around a breakup.
Manage any discomfort you might have seeing your friend cry or express emotions. People often will avoid discussing things that make others uncomfortable.
Listening is THE key skill for this, so here are some pointers to be a pro listener:
Don’t think about what you will say next while your pal is talking; focus on understanding his thoughts and feelings accurately.
Be curious about what he says. Ask questions to clarify what he is thinking and feeling when you don’t understand.
Keep the focus on him; only offer your thoughts, opinions, and advice if he asks for it.
3) Follow Up
Emotional support isn’t just one and done. Follow-up a few days or a week later. Ask how he’s feeling. Ask again if he needs anything or if he’d like you to hang out with him.
Remember! Don’t get sucked into the drama of it all, don’t push for the gory details, and don’t talk to your friend’s ex about anything he talks about to you. You are there to be a support for your friend, not his avenger, advocate, or defender against his ex.
How can I help him in the future?
After some time and distance from the breakup, your friend might be ready to engage in some long-term healing. These are abstract things we’re dealing with, but there are some concrete ways you can help.
1) Renegotiating Identity
It’s normal for people to develop and integrate parts of their identity with their romantic partner. And someone might build up a lot of their identity around being in a relationship in the first place — for example, their identity as “a husband”. As such, breakups often come with a process of figuring out who you are without your ex.
This can involve things like (re)discovering interests, shifting values, and changing styles. Support your friend by asking what they’re (re)discovering about themselves, validating who they want to become, and accepting the healthy ways they choose to change.
2) Growth into New Relationships
When your friend can recognize the good ways they've changed within a relationship (even if it’s ended), it's a sign they have processed the breakup in a healthy way. For instance, maybe his partner encouraged him to be more organized, and he’s kept up those habits. You can tell him the positive ways he's grown and reinforce these changes. Show him that he doesn't need to drop these changes because the relationship ended.
You can also encourage him to talk about things he’s learned from that relationship. Ask him how he will use those lessons to make future relationships healthy as well.
3) Finding Closure Internally
Despite what you may have heard, closure rarely comes from badgering our ex for explanations and reassurances. More often than not, this only prolongs the pain.
True closure comes from the acknowledgment that what we had is over, even if we have questions that we still want the answers to. Your friend may still be wondering how and why it all went wrong, but none of that changes the reality of the relationship being over.
To support internal closure, help your friend do some hard things like: blocking and removing the ex from contacts and social media, supporting his healing, and helping him move forward.
We hope these suggestions help!
Supporting a friend through a breakup can be tough, but you can help your friend AND strengthen your friendship if you can be there for them.
You might find that there are limits to how much we can help as friends. If you’re worried about your friend or think your friend could benefit from professional support, let them know that MEN& offers free counselling over the phone for men all across Alberta (and in person for men in Calgary). They don’t have to go through this alone.
Written by Mark F.
Mark has a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, is a Canadian Certified Counsellor, a spouse, and a dad. He’s also a longtime friend and volunteer of Next Gen Men.
Additional Resources
Family Centre - Strive Program (therapy group for men in Edmonton)
Momentum Counselling - Anchor Men’s Support Group (free therapy group for men across Alberta, facilitated online)
211 resource directory for services across Canada
Psychology Today has a directory to help you find a therapist in your area