Helping Boys Safely Navigate Online Relationships

 
Graphic from the National Sexual Violence Resource Centre

Graphic from the National Sexual Violence Resource Centre

By Jonathon Reed

 

Last week, I got an email from a parent asking about my perspective on managing a young teen’s social media relationships. I found that I had several key insights to share, both as a youth facilitator connected with more than 150 youth through NGM Alliance, Next Gen Men’s Discord server for Grades 7-9; and as a young person at the periphery of Generation Z myself.

Online relationships aren’t real.

False.

Many adults today are rooted in long-held friendships that took shape before the digital era. It is true that many boys have their deepest relationships with in-person friends at school, in their neighbourhood, or on their sports team. Yet it is also true that young people today have rich, meaningful and reciprocal relationships with peers that take place solely online.

I know boys who have bonded deeply through video games, who feel safest sharing their truest selves with friends on Discord, who have supported each other through mental health struggles and suicide interventions. Significant parts of young people’s identities and lives take place online. It does them a disservice to say those parts of themselves and their relationships aren’t real.

Youth don’t have tools to stay safe online.

False. Kind of.

In the days before the internet, you could expect a child to play with other young people in the neighbourhood and avoid getting in an unsafe stranger’s car on the way home. The difference with the internet is that the neighbourhood has few boundaries, and the young person they’re playing with could very well be an unsafe stranger.

As parents and caregivers, we want to protect young people. We also want to help them develop the ability to protect themselves. In helping boys stay safe online, I sometimes break things down more simply into red flags versus signs of a more trustworthy relationship.

 

Red flags:

  • Using a new social media account

  • Giving constant compliments or flattery

  • Undermining or invalidating other relationships

  • Asking personal or uncomfortable questions

  • Sending sexual pictures or references

Good signs:

  • Having mutual friends in common

  • Talking freely on a voice or video call

  • Having personal boundaries

 

The goal with these guidelines is to balance wariness and trust in a way that allows youth to connect with others while knowing the risks of online communication.

Young people spend too much time online.

True.

But I would argue that everyone does, adults included. I think part of my answer to this is that quantity is not the same as quality—an evening mindlessly scrolling on TikTok, for example, is not the same as an evening carefully working on a music production project. 

The other part is that balance is important in about every aspect of our lives. We can help kids find balance by role modelling, facilitating and celebrating their involvement in sports, arts and other interests that take place offline. Boys naturally limit their screen time when they genuinely have something else they would rather be doing.

The internet is designed to radicalize boys and young men.

True.

This is true in a lot of ways, and there is research being done on how internet structures contribute to this issue. Simply put, media sites’ algorithms are meant to maintain viewers’ attention, not raise positive young men. Group chats often include memes that defang moral transgression, and sub-communities on sites like Reddit and YouTube have anonymous commenting features that normalize extremism.

Let’s be clear, however—the internet itself doesn’t turn boys into white supremacists any more than violent video games turn boys into school shooters. The roots of violence are in boys’ relationships themselves, and whether they are held and known by caring, positive role models and peers, or left feeling isolated and misunderstood by the natural supports they should be able to rely on.

It’s the job of parents to understand and control their child’s social media.

False.

Most adults are simply never going to keep up with the young generation online. The way I see it, you can either work to identify and understand the online spaces in which your son spends time, or you can work to deeply know your son himself. I would choose knowing a young person, every time. 

This is your chance to shine. You may not be the expert in social media platforms or youth vernacular, but if you play your cards right, you may be an expert on the young person you call your own. Engaging him in meaningful, trusting conversations about his online presence, his experiences and understandings of the risks of the internet and his ability to mitigate them is ultimately your best bet for helping him to safely navigate online relationships.

Read more: Check out Google’s online safety resource, Be Internet Awesome, as a tool for helping young people build fundamental skills to explore the online world with confidence.

Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a bi-weekly blog reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to Future of Masculinity to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.

Learnings & UnlearningsJonathon ReedYouth, Parenting, Best for Parents