Everything is Figureoutable
By Chris Wilson
In his second instalment of the Pass the Mic Summer Reading Series for the Future of Masculinity newsletter readers, Chris reflects on his upward path from his lowest of lows and the lessons he learned along the way—mainly that everything is figureoutable. Read the first part of Chris’s journey in What Dropping Out Of High School Taught Me About Being A Man.
(Tw: self-harm and suicide)
I opened the door, took a deep breath and paused. In front of me stood a mountain. I was afraid to climb it. I knew that when I reached the top that I would have to confront an ugly reality. My life had become a mess and I was at a breaking point.
What brought me to this door was on all accounts a breakthrough. I had admitted to my parents that it felt like my life was falling apart and I needed help.
I was in a job I hated, living with someone who deserved better, in a city I didn’t want to be in. Every day felt like I was shoving my regrets to the bottom of a garbage bag, knowing full well the time would come when the bag would burst.
On April 16, 2011, my 17-year-old cousin, Danny, a tall lanky kid who loved working on snowmobiles and talking to girls, had his life cut short. A head-on collision with a transport truck ended any hope of living out his dreams. I only knew of the dreams he told me about, like becoming a welder. The rest he never got a chance to share.
For many of us, we hold our dreams tight and die before ever getting a chance to act on them. Our dreams aren’t cut short by time, they never see the light of day because we're paralyzed by fear. It’s fucking terrifying to pursue something that feels impossible to our current self.
Life had already felt like a mess, now it felt hopeless.
I was wild in university, but now I am reckless. I really didn’t give a shit about anything. I felt dead inside. And if I’m gonna be perfectly honest, I really didn’t care if I lived or died. That became clear one night after heavy drinking. I grabbed a butcher knife with the intention of piercing it through my heart. The coldness of the steel brought me to tears.
I have no idea what stopped me that night, but I had reached a point where I’d do anything to numb the pain. I made a lot of bad decisions in that period of my life, a lot of shit I’m not proud of. But I’m only standing here today because I decided to take responsibility for my life. But I knew I wasn’t able to do that by myself.
When I got to the top of the stairs, I had a sense this was only the beginning. The waiting room was empty so I had my choice of seats. I sunk into an old couch that looked like it came from a student house. There was something comforting about this big comfy couch. It served as a reminder that the hardest part is often just showing up.
I had run through a million scenarios of what I would tell the therapist as she invited me into her office. She motioned to a chair across from her. She smiled and asked, “What brings you here today, Chris?”
Not one of those scenarios came to be. I broke down in that moment and felt everything that I’d been holding onto pour out of me. My tears didn’t just signify I was in pain, they told the story of what I didn’t know how to say. I had delayed asking for help for years because I didn't know what to expect. And now I had the chance to let go of these expectations so I could heal.
She hadn’t asked some deep profound question that cracked me open. She had given me an opportunity to be honest for the first time in my life. And that’s the only promise I had made to myself going into this—don’t hold back.
Hellen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” What I take from that is everything I’ve experienced is just part of my adventure. You and I are explorers. We might be at different parts of our journey, but one thing I’ve learned is that everything is figureoutable.
Are you ready to chart an adventure for your life?
Viewing life like an adventure means you can start to take the pressure off having all the answers at the moment.
When we view challenges as setbacks, failures, and reasons to give up, we’re deciding to end the story at the most exciting part. That’s like Luke Skywalker throwing in the towel when he’s faced with destroying the Death Star. What kind of boring movie is that?
We often forget that we are the ones writing the screenplay for our life. This big scary moment you’re facing will make for one hell of a story down the line. Is what you’re confronting a possible Death Star adventure in your own life?
What might feel like the worst part of your life could just be the start of where you learn who you’re capable of becoming.
I won’t pretend I know you, and you’re still getting to know me, but I do know one thing for sure: you are capable of doing more than you think you can do. I know that firsthand.
We will all face obstacles, but some of us will seek a guide that has been there before. These people recognize that a guide can help us learn and grow from their own mistakes and knowledge. This gives us the clarity to step into the future with confidence.
Your life will only grow as much as you do.
And growth comes from action.
And motivation follows action.
Suffering is a choice. Stuck in your head, you’re paralyzed by darkness. It feels like there is no other way.
But as you start to challenge the way you think, your old way of thinking starts to crack. That’s how the light gets in. A trickle at first. You start to see and believe you have choice when you share your struggles.
It’s okay to ask for help.
It’s the first step in emerging from your comfort zone. You don’t have to live your default life. You don’t have to settle.
Here’s my question to you, how long will you put off what you are capable of doing just to continue what you are comfortable doing?
From the Future of Masculinity weekly newsletter, where our community’s hearts and minds come together each week to do the work, tell the stories, and build the blueprint for a future where men and boys experience less pain and cause less harm.
Since 2012, Chris Wilson has helped hundreds of people get out of their own way and lead lives of fulfillment (all without the use of drugs or pictures of cats riding unicycles). Chris is a cognitive-based therapy expert with 500+ hours of direct facilitation with one of Canada’s leading mental health programs for youth. He proudly served as a life coach with a Canada-wide initiative that helped increase high school graduation rates by an average of 75% for youth in low-income communities.
You can try out a free course he made, aimed at helping folks lead happier, more productive lives while enjoying more simplicity and less stress.