Can We Reclaim “Mama’s Boy?”
By Veronika Ilich
In 2019, a clip of Miami Dolphins Linebacker Jerome Baker went viral.
In this clip, he’s searching for his mother in the stands of his football game, repeatedly asking “Where is my mama?” as he scans the crowd.
The response to this clip was overwhelmingly positive. Dolphins fans and non-fans alike commented on the wholesome love that the then 23-year-old had for his mother and the importance of his ritual search for her at every game.
Jerome proudly says he’s a “mama’s boy”, and he’s not the only man to do so. Some men, it seems, are reclaiming the term which has long been used as an insult.
We’re going to break down the term “mama’s boy” and consider whether it’s a term that can be reclaimed, or if it should be abandoned altogether.
What does "mama's boy" mean?
The term “mama’s boy” is generally used in one of two scenarios:
When referring to a boy or man with a healthy relationship with his mother. He is likely considerate, kind, and loving to his mother. He looks up to her as a role model and respects her thoughts and opinions. In other words, he cares about her and makes it known.
When referring to a boy or man with a close but unhealthy relationship with his mother. This may look like an enmeshed or co-dependent relationship that lacks healthy boundaries.
The connotation of “mama’s boy” has generally been negative, irrespective of which scenario people are referring to. “Mama’s boy” has historically been used as an insult, typically challenging the masculinity of the boy or man to whom it is applied.
Let’s talk about why.
The Negative Undertones of “Mama’s Boy”
1. The Misogyny in “Mama’s Boy”
“Mama’s boy” has long been synonymous with a “weak” and “emasculated” man, regardless of whether it was referring to a son with a healthy or unhealthy relationship with his mother.
This has deep roots in 20th-century psychology. Early psychoanalysts thought that for a boy to develop into a man, he needed to “separate from his mother” and “identify with his father”. At the time, there was widespread worry that since many boys were being raised predominantly by women, they would identify with their mothers and therefore be "soft" and "feminine".
If this sounds familiar, it’s because people still worry about this today.
Not only does this fear of boys being “feminized” perpetuate the idea that “feminine” traits like empathy, caring, cooperation, etc. are not traits that men should strive for — but it also implies that femininity is bad, period. This is misogyny: the fear, hatred, and need to control anything "feminine". Misogyny is a key driver of violence against women and girls.
Importantly, the fear of boys being “feminized” maintains a system of patriarchy — where men are in charge and in control. Two points on this:
As Devrupa Rakshit says, terms like “mama’s boy” and “simp” are insults to men that imply they submit to their wives or mothers’ wills. These terms “betray the anxiety of a society built on the idea that men are superior beings whose will women must bend to; any divergence from this norm threatens to upend the status quo.”
As Harriet Lerner and Kate Stone Lombardi point out, the term “daddy’s girl” does not carry similar negative connotations as “mama’s boy”. Perhaps “daddy’s girl” is seen as more positive because a girl’s proximity to a masculine role model symbolizes patriarchal protection. Or perhaps because masculinity is prized in our culture, we aren’t as worried about a father role-modelling “masculine” traits to his daughter as we are a mother role-modelling “feminine” traits to her son. Further evidence of misogyny, really.
2. The Impacts of “Mama’s Boy” Stigma on Boys, Mothers, and Everyone Else
“From the Oedipus myth (not to mention the complex Freud created around it) to the movie Psycho, our culture warns us about the dangers of mother-son closeness. No other parent-child combination is so stigmatized” — Kate Stone Lombardi
For many years, the advice to mothers was to distance themselves from their sons, and shut down signs of “femininity” (or “weakness”) so that their sons could “become men”.
Mothers were told they could then avoid the blame and shame of producing “mama’s boys”, and their sons could develop into presumably well-adjusted “masculine” men.
This could look like telling boys to “stop crying” to toughen them up or limiting physical affection, such as limiting how much a little boy is held. It could also look like limiting time spent together.
However it looks, this hurts everyone.
It hurts boys. Attachment theory has sparked extensive research on social-emotional development, revealing a consistent finding: regardless of gender, when caregivers are inconsistent or cold in their responses to their children, it often results in the children developing anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are associated with increased difficulty regulating emotions, as well as unhealthy behaviour in relationships (acting controlling, dismissive, etc.).
It hurts moms. Most mothers want loving, close relationships with their children, regardless of gender. Distancing themselves from their sons is painful for mothers.
It hurts all of us. Knowingly or not, when mothers reinforce patriarchal expectations of masculinity by pushing away their sons and shutting down their “feminine” traits, they’re upholding a system that hurts us all. Yet they’re caught between a rock and a hard place: if they keep him close and their son is a “mama’s boy”, he’ll be a target of ridicule, if they push him away, it’s just perpetuating the patriarchal system. It’s a classic double-bind.
Overall, the fear of the “mama’s boy” label is linked to some pretty poor outcomes for boys' and men’s emotional literacy, relationship skills, and mental wellness while simultaneously reinforcing the idea that women & femininity are lesser.
3. ”Mama’s Boy” as Man-Child
Remember that “mama’s boy” is used in two different ways, and the second way it’s used is to refer to boys or men who have a close but unhealthy relationship with their mother characterized by codependency and a lack of boundaries.
When people are critiquing unhealthy relationships between mothers & sons, it’s often about a lack of independence or lack of boundaries.
For instance, a lack of independence might look like a man who is continually relying on his mother to meet all of his needs, doing everything for him that most adults do for themselves.
Often we see stereotypical portrayals of this as a “man-child”, whose mother cleans up after him, financially supports him, or is his main social support. Interestingly, the more patriarchal a society is, the more this lack of independence may manifest — since within patriarchies, mothers are expected to take on the majority of unpaid care work for men, including emotional labour.
When it comes to a lack of boundaries, people might think of a man who seeks his mother’s approval for every decision he makes, or who backtracks on his decisions if she does not agree with them. Or they may think of a man who tells his mother everything — or vice versa, a mother who tells her son everything — and a general lack of confidentiality.
While these are problematic behaviours no matter the gender or relationship, there may be additional stigma attached to the case of mothers and sons.
Can we Reclaim “Mama’s Boy?” Should we?
“Mama’s boy” is tricky. It has such a long history of being a negative term and its dual meaning can be tough to tease out.
On the one hand, the duality of “mama’s boy” — the fact that it refers to boys and men who have either a healthy or unhealthy relationship with their mother — renders it imprecise or muddy.
It obscures the differences between what could be a healthy/close attachment and an unhealthy/enmeshed relationship. It lumps them together as the same thing.
On the other hand, reclaiming “mama’s boy” has the positive potential to make healthy mother-son relationships aspirational. This could send a powerful cultural message that we’re shifting away from misogyny and patriarchy, both by valuing boys’ and men’s social-emotional growth through traits that have long been devalued (like caring, empathy, and warmth) and signalling that those traits are worthwhile to begin with.
So do we use the term “mama’s boy” or not? We may not have the answer, but we do have some suggestions.
First, if we’re going to reclaim the term “mama’s boy”, it’s probably most helpful to use it in a positive sense and to clearly define it repeatedly. This is how words take on new meanings.
For instance, if you’re using “mama’s boy” to describe the healthy mother-son relationship you have, you may have to explain what that healthy relationship looks like. We can acknowledge, celebrate, and appreciate the benefits of men & boys having close and healthy relationships with all of their caregivers, including their mothers – starting with examples.
We can also keep myth-busting. Being reliably responsive and affectionate with your children, regardless of their gender, helps them form secure attachments. Secure attachments allow children to be MORE independent (rather than forming “needy” kids) since they have a safe home base to return to, they feel more free and courageous to explore.
Second, maybe it’s time to stop using “mama’s boy” to describe unhealthy mother-son relationships. Perhaps it’s more effective to locate the problems in the specific behaviours — like a lack of boundaries or independence. After all, it’s not the fact that a son has a relationship with his mother that’s a problem, it’s the fact that the relationship is not healthy.
We can continue to learn about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Then, we can build the skills to have healthier relationships. For instance, we can explore and understand what boundaries look like, how to set them, and how to respect them.
Third, we can acknowledge that expecting mothers to do all the unpaid work for their sons is damaging to both of them (mother and son) as well as sending a harmful message to daughters. Teaching sons to be equal partners starts with role modelling at home. This can look like parents, regardless of gender, taking parental leaves, sharing decision-making, and taking on an equitable share of unpaid work at home (housework, childcare, cooking, errands, social planning, etc.).
Overall, we’re trending in the right direction – but it's going to take more work from all of us to get to a point where healthy mother-son relationships are consistently celebrated.
If you’d like more stories like this delivered to your inbox every week, sign up for our Future of Masculinity newsletter!
Need access to free mental health support? Check out MEN& to access free counseling if you’re a man in Alberta.
Veronika Ilich is the Community Manager for Next Gen Men. Find her at NGM events, on the Modern Manhood Podcast, or on our online Inner Circle forum! She is passionate about social justice, and in particular, gender-based violence prevention and eliminating poverty.