Should You Make Your Son Do Therapy?
By Jonathon Reed
“So what about your thoughts of suicide and all that, how’s your mental?”
Late last week, I was on the phone with a boy whose social media regularly refers to depression through lofi TikTok reposts. Every now and then, I try to bring up his mental health in conversation with him.
“Well,” he responded, drawing out the word and then taking a breath, “it’s kind of fucked because on Saturday I was so stressed I broke down in front of my mom and then she spent like 30 minutes yelling at a 13-year-old crying on his bed.”
“Jesus,” I said.
I navigate these kinds of conversations almost every day. When I know a young person is facing stress, family issues, victim-based bullying, low self-esteem or anything like that, I make a point to reach out. I’ve seen firsthand how important that connection can be.
Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time advocating for therapy.
The ‘boys don’t cry’ narrative pushes boys to hide feelings of weakness in an effort to appear tough and invulnerable. That’s why Next Gen Men’s youth programs explore the difficulty of asking for help, and that’s why I, as a young man myself, make sure to talk with boys about therapy.
But more than that—when working with young teens who were really struggling, I used to frame it as something they had to do.
Here’s why I don’t anymore.
Control is important to heal from trauma.
In the midst of a challenging situation with a suicidal preteen, I read this quote from Bruce Perry, a pioneer in the study of childhood trauma:
“One of the defining elements of a traumatic experience is a complete loss of control and a sense of utter powerlessness. As a result, regaining control is an important aspect of coping with traumatic stress.”
Read more: Take a look at Partnership for Male Youth’s report on the mental health of boys and young men, Unrecognized Depression: A Review of Research and Recommendations.
The idea that I might be subverting a child’s recovery by pushing him too hard and perpetuating his feeling of powerlessness stopped me in my tracks. Instead of bringing up his mental health that day, I told him about what I had been reading.
He responded, “You finally get it.”
As with all things, I think the answer is really about balance. As parents, educators, coaches and mentors, sometimes we do need to challenge our young people to do the things they don’t want to do.
Too often, however, we can be motivated by fear. I’ve felt this more times than I can count—the gut-wrenching sense of helplessness that a young person is in pain, the overwhelming impulse to wrest control away from them because I can keep them safer than they can themselves.
But I can’t let myself be led by fear. I can’t turn a trusting relationship into a power struggle.
How do we support the wellbeing of boys who don’t want to do therapy?
If we can find the balance between pushing our boys towards mental health resources and waiting for them to get there on their own, we find ourselves standing right alongside them.
That’s where we belong. Where we can hear firsthand what’s hard in their lives, help them to understand their own mental health and explore different options for seeking help. Rather than dictating their choices, we can empower young people to be the leaders of their own journey.
Read more: Past Learnings & Unlearnings blog post, 4 Ways to Talk to Boys About Suicide.
That preteen wrote to me two years later.
“It’s been a rough two years,” he began, “But I thought you should know I finally confronted my issues. I’ve started going to therapy and started taking antidepressants. Sorry it took so long for me to start this, but I thought you should know.”
As for the 13-year-old on the phone last week, things aren’t better—yet. But he knows he has someone who isn’t going to invalidate his feelings or use them as a reason to undermine his autonomy. He doesn’t have to hide his weakness.
That matters.
Check out: Next Gen Men’s Cards For Masculinity card deck includes conversation starters for young teen boys on mental health resources.
Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a bi-weekly blog reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to Future of Masculinity to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.