How does patriarchy impact men’s happiness?

“Do you think being a man affects the amount of joy you feel in your life?”

I asked my friend this question as I prepared dinner last night. I was curious if the messages he’d received about how to “be a man” — things like being tough, self-reliant, dominant, aggressive, status-seeking, etc. — had impacted how happy he had been throughout his life.

“Well, I think there are so many directions we could go with this conversation,” he replied. 

He was right. Thirty minutes later, we still had not run out of things to say. 

Throughout our conversation, these two themes stuck out most: 1) feelings of “never being good enough” and  2) struggles with relationships.

Part 1: Never Enough

Culture of Competition & Domination

My friend shared that when looking to buy a home for himself, he shunned places that seemed too small because they felt inadequate — never mind that he lives alone and doesn’t need much space. He knew it wasn’t exactly logical, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of “this isn’t good enough”. 

“Do you ever feel like the messages that men get about what kind of lifestyle they should have, how they should look, how much money they should make, lead to feeling like you’ll never be good enough?”

“Yes,” he replied, “definitely”.  

Boys and men are often raised in a culture of competition & domination, hearing things like ‘if you’re not first, you’re last’ and surrounded by images of powerful men positioned as role models. Power, in this sense, means influence, money, and fame. 

Boys may feel pressure to ‘one-up’ each other: to be the funniest class clown, the top scorer on the hockey team, or the most popular among their peers. Sometimes, this may lead to bullying others to feel more secure. 

These trends may continue for men into adulthood. 

There’s pressure to rise to the top: to always have your sights set on the promotion at work, the pay increase, the most ‘fit’ body, the newest tech, the fanciest car with the loudest engine, the most attractive partner, the ‘perfect’ home, and on and on in a never-ending list of ways you need to be achieving. 

There’s a feeling of urgency, the need to have the next best thing, always to achieve or impress, and to do it all now. 

What does this pressure of “never enough” feel like?

Emptiness. Longing. Inadequacy. Envy. Stress. Low self-worth.

I wouldn’t call any of those feelings joy. Not even close. 

Joy is a deep feeling of contentment, of satisfaction, of appreciation of the things that mean the most to us — which isn’t necessarily attainment (the promotion at work) or material things (the new toys). It’s also not something we simply ‘attain’ and it’s there forever: joy exists in moments big and small and it comes and goes. 

This isn’t to say that we can’t or shouldn’t desire material things, or strive to improve ourselves. 

This is to say that 1) if we are always waiting for the next best thing, we’re unlikely ever to feel content and 2) if we are not thinking about what matters most to us, we may not be living in accordance with our own values (but simply what we think society expects of us). 

In fact, chasing ideals that do not align with our deepest values often means abandoning joy. 

So, what can we do about it?

The good news is it doesn’t need to be this way. Boys and men can chart paths back to joy, and we can help one another to do this. Here are some key ideas to get us started: 

1. Role model vulnerability
   Practice explaining how you feel and expressing what you need.

2. Practice empathy
   Ask others how they feel and what they need. Listen to understand, not judge or fix. 

3. Explore your values
   What really matters to you? What are your values? What’s important to you at the end of the day? 

4. Aim for integrity
   How will you live your values daily and in all areas of your life? 

Want to learn more? Join us at the online screening of Boys Will Be…Themselves on March 12th! Living authentically is a huge theme of the film. See for yourself!

Stay tuned for part 2 of this two-part blog series on patriarchy’s impact on men’s happiness next week!

This piece is adapted from a blog we originally wrote for MEN&.

Further reading: 

What Is Joy and What Does it Say About Us?

Stop Pursuing Happiness