Engaging With Boys About Relationships and Sex
Art from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy
By Jonathon Reed
The conversation started when a 15-year-old messaged me a single word: “Um.”
That’s not the way most young people text—youth don’t tend to say ‘um’ in writing unless they really don’t know what to say. “Hey,” I wrote back. “What’s up?”
In an outpouring of emotion, he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant. He told me he had no clue what he should say or what they should do. He had just confided in his older brother and his older brother suggested reaching out to me.
Over the next couple of hours, we talked about his relationship with his girlfriend, about sex and communication and how he was feeling, and roleplayed how to talk to his mom about what was going on.
This Valentine’s Day, I found myself thinking back to this conversation. To me, it demonstrates the importance of talking with boys not just about sex, but also about the complexities of adolescent intimacy. Beyond well-worn stereotypes about shutting down or hooking up, teenage boys want to feel close, and loved, and they want to talk with their parents about their relationships.
Seriously.
In 2010, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy surveyed 1,200 boys and young men. Their findings offered a striking glimpse beyond the stereotype of hormone-driven teens.
95% of guys said they would rather have sex with a girlfriend or someone they love than have sex with a random girl, and 66% of them said they would rather have a girlfriend even if it meant no sex at all. 78% of boys and young men said that there is ‘way too much pressure’ from society to have sex.
Of course, we should be talking about sex. We should also be talking about the emotional aspects of healthy, mature romantic relationships.
A 2017 report from Making Caring Common found that 70% of young adults reported wishing they had received more information from their parents about some emotional aspect of a romantic relationship.
“For adults to hand over responsibility for educating young people about romantic love—and sex—to popular culture is a dumbfounding abdication of responsibility.”
The 15-year-old who texted me wanted to feel close, and loved. He wanted that in his physical relationship with his girlfriend, but he also wanted that in an honest and vulnerable conversation with a trusted adult. We all have an important role to play in the positive development of our young people.
Start the conversation—even if the first thing out your mouth is ‘um.’
Read more: You can find the report by the National Campagin to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, That’s What He Said: What Guys Think About Sex, Love, Contraception, and Relationships, in the NGM Library.
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Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a bi-weekly blog reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to Future of Masculinity to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.