Contradicting Boys’ Masks
© Next Gen Men 2019
By Jonathon Reed
When I started organizing Next Gen Men’s upcoming online youth program, Ben was one of the boys I thought of. I’ve known him for two years, and we’ve talked with enough depth for me to know that when he was younger, he experienced misogynistic bullying firsthand. He’s had an issue with the word ‘bitch,’ for example, since it was used against him.
Last week, I forwarded him an Instagram story about the online youth program. “You might be into this,” I said.
“Maybe,” he wrote back. “What is it?”
After I told him a bit about the program, he asked if joining would mean he would have to attend every session. “Yeah,” I responded. Then I added, “It’s ok if school and stuff is keeping you busy.”
I could see myself holding back in this conversation. I think really highly of this young man—I admire the depth of his resilience and the sincerity of his kindness, and I know things about him that not everyone knows. Yet I undercut myself at the start, and back-pedalled when he indicated disinterest.
After the conversation, I went back and read an excerpt from William Pollack’s 1998 book Real Boys.
“When parents or teachers see a boy’s mask go up—when our sons begin to act tough and self-reliant—there’s a tendency to want to respond the same way. We often feel we’re going to humiliate the boy in some way if we don’t reflect back the same kind of cool, dispassionate attitude. While it’s important not to pressure your boy to discuss things if he’s not yet up to it, you should not feel you need to match his macho stoicism with your own. Instead, try to contradict his masked insecurities by giving him lots of love, support, and admiration.”
Relational learning isn’t always easy. It often takes a lot of fortitude to demonstrate love in the face of indifference. It’s something that I still struggle with sometimes, even though I’ve seen the impact of authentic connection time and time again. I’ve had conversations with Ben, for example, where I didn’t pull my punches, and where we were real with each other.
So I know that working to contradict boys’ masked insecurities creates better relationships with the boys in our lives—whether they’re at home or in the classroom—and helps support them in being themselves. That’s why it’s one of my most important intentions as I facilitate boys programs. But I also know it’s easier said than done, and that’s why I use this quote to anchor myself.
ICYMI This Week
Boys Don’t (SoundCloud)
Artists, filmmakers, designers, and more on what masculinity means to them (Dazed)
Online, but off-kilter: A day in the life of a Boston sixth-grader (Boston Globe)
Written by Next Gen Men Program Manager Jonathon Reed as part of Learnings & Unlearnings, a weekly newsletter reflecting on our experiences working with boys and young men. Subscribe to get Learnings & Unlearnings delivered to your email inbox.