5 Online Dating Tips for Guys
It’s now been about a decade since the birth of Tinder, and in that time, online dating has shifted from being less common (and more stigmatized) to now being normalized. I guess Tinder sparked something ;)
In 2022 there were over 366 million online dating service users worldwide (Statista). With over 8,000 dating sites currently in existence, people have a lot of platforms to choose from – and it’s only growing!
Roughly 30% of American adults have used a dating app at some point – which jumps up to 53% for adults aged 18-30 and 55% for 2SLGBTQ+ adults. We don't have more current Canadian numbers, but according to a 2018 survey from eHarmony, about 36% of Canadians report using dating apps at some point in their life.
Yet, like all things, online dating can be a mixed bag. Some people are having primarily positive experiences, others less so.
For instance, about two-thirds (66%) of American women under 50 who have tried online dating have experienced some form of sexual harassment on the apps. Oof.
So what can men do to make online dating as positive an experience as possible?
Here are our top tips for making online dating a better experience for you and your potential matches.
(Take this all with a grain of salt – who are we to give relationship advice? But then again, who is anyone on the internet to give dating advice?)
Five Tips for Online Dating in 2023
1 - Be Sincere
Sincere is an under-used word, in our opinion! Sincerity means being honest, straightforward, and still kind.
It takes some practice, but being direct about what we’re looking for and honest about how we’re feeling without being harsh, is often appreciated by the people we’re dating (or potentially interested in dating).
For instance, people generally appreciate being told, “Hey, I don’t think this is working for me,” rather than being ghosted. While break-ups or break-up-like conversations can be uncomfortable, they provide much-needed closure. If you’re unsure how to say something sincerely, try practicing with a friend. Maybe they’ll have some helpful feedback for you!
More and more people are taking time to think about what they’re looking for and choosing to be transparent about their desires from the get-go (the Knot). For instance, Bumble’s badge feature allows people to share and filter for preferences like whether people are looking for something casual or serious and whether or not they want children (or already have them).
It’s also worth exploring WHY you want what you think you want.
For instance, if you want children – what is influencing that decision? Is it possible to separate out all the influences in your life that have told you that having children is an important goal? In patriarchal societies, for instance, to be seen as a “successful man,” men are typically expected to be married heterosexual fathers. However, we’re here to say you don’t have to be or want that for yourself, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man.
2 - Be Yourself, Love Yourself, and Work on Yourself
Wait, aren’t those three things kind of at odds? Not for us –we think it’s entirely possible to be yourself, love yourself, and still continue working on yourself.
Yes, it seems very cliche and overdone at this point, but “be yourself” remains solid advice. When you are yourself, you’re more likely to find people with similar interests and personalities that click with yours – you can’t do that if you’re hiding behind a persona.
Being yourself might also involve letting go of socially-ingrained ideas about what it means to “be a man.” For example, boys and men are encouraged to pursue a limited set of hobbies, interests, and activities (think cars, sports, video games, and outdoor activities). If you like those things, by all means, enjoy them and be honest about your enjoyment – but let go of the social pressure only to pursue those activities or interests. Explore! Shedding societal expectations is part of loving yourself. When you let go of what you’re “supposed” to do, you make space for what you actually want to do.
Loving oneself also looks like self-care and self-compassion. These aren’t always easy things to do, but they’re so important!
Self-care is doing everything that contributes to your well-being: getting enough sleep, spending time on your hobbies, catching up with friends, regular exercise, therapy, etc. Self-care might look a little different for everyone, but we generally know when we’re doing a good job! We tend to feel energized, rested, and ready to meet new challenges.
Self-compassion is giving yourself some grace: forgiving yourself for mistakes, not holding yourself to unattainable standards, and not being overly critical and harsh towards yourself. It’s also about accepting yourself. Admittedly, this can be difficult. For some reason, we can accept and love others – flaws and all – but struggle to accept and love ourselves.
Lastly, keep working on yourself.
Recognize that there are likely ways that you want to grow to be the best person and partner you can be. Maybe it’s expanding your capacity for empathy or improving your conflict-management skills -– whatever it is, keep working on it! It’s increasingly important to do so: according to a 2023 Bumble survey, “63% of daters are now looking for emotional maturity before physical looks”.
Importantly, you don’t have to do it alone. There are some outstanding books, podcasts, and self-paced courses out there that can help if you’re looking for solo options, but if you want to work with others, therapists, therapy groups, and support groups can be great places to start.
Take It Further: Next Gen Menbers are having conversations like these and beyond, breaking down and discussing what masculinity means in 2023. Join the conversation and support our work!
3 - Be Respectful
It really should go without saying, but regardless of whether you’re looking for casual encounters or more serious commitment, being respectful to people you’re dating or potentially interested in is key. It’s also the bare minimum!
Yet, 25% of men and 42% of women have been contacted on a dating site or app in a way that made them uncomfortable, with 20% of men and 32% of women receiving unwanted sexually explicit pictures.
Other surveys show 60% of female users ages 18 to 34 have had someone on a dating site or app continue to contact them after they said they were not interested, while a similar share (57%) report being sent a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for (Pew Research Centre).
What all of this boils down to is consent.
Consent is about asking people what they want, listening to their answers, and respecting their choices. It’s also about our needs and boundaries – i.e., not doing things we don’t want to do (our consent matters, too!). There are a lot of great resources on consent – and yes, they’re usually focused on sex – but consent features in all of our interactions. Consent matters in conversations, touch, sharing personal information, deciding to surprise someone, sending photos, etc. Consent matters in all things!
And yeah, it might seem like a romance-killing idea to never surprise anyone or to need to ask for consent before every move you make – but it’s something that 1) can be very romantic in itself and 2) can get easier over time. Typically, the more you get to know someone, the better you can read their body language, and understand their context – including how they enjoy receiving affection.
4. Be Open
According to Bumble’s 2023 survey, more people are seeking candid convos about “taboo” topics earlier, like sex, money, religion, and politics.
The topics themselves could be becoming less taboo because people are becoming more comfortable bringing them up, or people are striving to put all their cards on the table sooner to avoid potential problems down the line (see above note on transparency/being yourself). Either way, being open about different topics is increasingly common!
It’s also interesting and encouraging that people are more open to exploring their sexuality and different relationship styles, like ethical non-monogamy and long-distance relationships. People are more freely pursuing the people and relationships that they want.
The suggestion to be open is not about us telling you that you MUST try things you might not have an interest in (hey, ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone). Still, it’s about encouraging exploration in terms of even asking the questions – both of yourself and others. So often, we default to “the way things have always been done” or what is “expected of us” – but why?
Instead, we could ask ourselves, “What do I actually want in a relationship? Who am I attracted to? What do I value in a partnership?” – these can be questions we ask ourselves & our partners more than once!
5. Stay Hopeful
Online dating can be tough. Many dating apps are designed for us to make quick judgments of others (and them of us), primarily based on how we look and short snippets of information in a bio – which can feel kind of icky.
We’ve discussed how some folks on dating apps have acted in ways that lead to others feeling uncomfortable and unsafe as well – 2SLGBTQ+ folks and women more commonly experience this, but of course, heterosexual men can as well. Experiences like that can be profoundly impactful and lead to people no longer using dating apps out of fear for safety or peace of mind.
People can also feel pretty worn down by the experience of online dating – either because they are overwhelmed by messages or feel insecure and disappointed because they aren’t getting many matches or messages.
According to Pew Research Centre, 55% of American adults (and 64% of men) who have used a dating app or site in the past year say they often or sometimes felt insecure about the number of messages they received on dating apps. Certain apps, like Tinder, have a pretty lopsided gender split of users (65% male users on Tinder), contributing to men getting fewer messages on those apps.
No doubt about it, rejection and feeling ignored or overlooked hurts. Absolutely. Yet, we can’t allow that pain to be twisted into hurting others.
Our advice: reject the messaging of manosphere ‘dating coaches’ (rebranded “pick up artists”), ‘alpha male’ influencers like Andrew Tate, or so-called incel communities that direct their rage and hurt onto the women they supposedly seek to date. “Incels” will say that women are “hypergamous” and ignore most guys on dating apps in favour of only the MOST conventionally attractive guys. Yet, most men are having some fun & success dating online: “57% of men who have dated online say their experiences have been positive” (Pew Research Centre).
Instead, pay attention to how you’re feeling. If online dating is becoming demoralizing, take a break from it. Heck, delete the apps if you feel like it’s crushing your self-esteem.
Remember – the stats are there: only 30% of people are dating online. That’s not everyone. Many people still meet their significant other through friends. So if online dating isn’t feeling good, remember you have other options to meet awesome people IRL!
We hope these five tips were helpful!
Online dating will continue to evolve, but our need for companionship seems consistent, no matter how we meet people.
Anyone curious to continue to explore the impact of gender stereotypes on our experiences of online dating should join us on July 8th at Movember House for another in-person Circle event! Register on Eventbrite.